


old wounds

by yasi



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22619896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasi/pseuds/yasi
Summary: Ben and Callum meet during training in the army. It’s not love at first sight.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Callum ''Halfway'' Highway/Chris Kennedy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 83





	old wounds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lucres](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucres/gifts).



> this is a gift for the lovely @lucres on tumblr for the ballum secrect valentinve exchange.
> 
> also, I have no idea about the military, how training or deployment works. I did a bit of research, but I’m a tiny human and my brain could retain only so much information before wanting to kill me. So, most of the military stuff is me making up stuff that made sense in my head coupled with research.

“Oi, watch where you’re going!” Toby cries out, while half of what’s on his tray lands on the floor.

The soldier who knocked into him doesn’t bother to turn around and walks away.

“Hey! I’m talking to you!” Toby shoves his tray into Callum’s hands and goes after him. He stops the man before he can leave the dining hall, turning him around forcefully. Which is the wrong thing to do.

The man in question is Ben Mitchell, he is infamous at the training camp. Everybody knows Mitchell is a bully ans has a bad temper. You don’t get in his way.

Callum leaves their trays at a nearby table and goes after them. And just in time. Mitchell has Toby by his shirt and even though Toby is taller than Mitchell, Toby seems to be the one who’s shrinking into himself.

“I-I-I’m sorry, mate. I didn’t realise it was you!” Toby is trying to talk himself out of the situation.

“I’m not your mate!” Mitchell snarls into Toby’s face. Before he can hurt Toby, Callum goes between them. It’s surprisingly easy to get Toby out of Mitchell’s hands.

“Come on, Mitchell. He didn’t mean anything by it!” Callum says, shoving Toby behind himself.

Mitchell takes a step back, musters Callum from head to toe, until he finally settles on Callum’s face, tilts his head a bit and smiles thinly.

“Protecting your boyfriend, then, Highway? I’d’ve thought you’d have better taste than that idiot.”

Callum blushes furiously, but he’s not backing down.

“He’s _not_ my boyfriend. But leave him be, he hasn’t done anything to you!”

Mitchell is full on smirking now, his eyes never leaving Callum’s.

“See that he keeps out of my way, then,” he says and leaves.

Confused, Callum can’t do anything else but stare after him. Toby peeks out from behind Callum’s back, watching after the retreating figure of Mitchell. They’re both speechless.

Chris chooses that moment to enter the dining hall.

“What’s with you two? I thought you were getting the food in?” He asks his two stunned friends.

“Callum just rescued me from Mitchell and survived it without getting hurt,” Toby answers after a moment of silence. Chris stares at them with an open mouth.

“How did you manage that, H? Tell me your secret!”

Callum shakes his head. “I have no fucking idea,” he says in bewilderment.

They collectively turn to the door, where not a minute ago Ben Mitchell left through, look at each other, shrug and go back to their food.

~*~~*~

You see, Callum’s been training to become a soldier for six weeks now. And he loves every minute of it. Okay, so, they’re still in the UK and he’s not been assigned to a unit yet. But Callum always wanted to be a soldier, as long as he can remember. Once he realised it would open up the world to him (and that he’d get away from his dysfunctional family), Callum has wanted nothing more than this. Being part of a team, doing everything together, from sleeping, to training to eating. He loves all of it.

Well… not all of it. There is this guy, Ben Mitchell. Him and his friends are training at the same camp and they’re… a lot to deal with. Especially Mitchell. He goes out of his way to antagonise everybody, pretends to be a big man. But only when none of the officers are around. And nobody has the balls to report them.

They’ve been at the training camp longer than Callum and his friends; they will probably be assigned to a unit and be deployed somewhere around the world soon. It can’t be long now. They just have to keep their heads down and be invisible. They’d been lucky to escape Mitchell’s attention so far.

They being Callum, Chris and Tobey. They had become fast friends when they met on their first day of training. Luck would have it they were assigned the same dormitory. From that day on they did everything together. It helped that they all had a similar upbringing and bonded over that. For the first time in his life Callum felt like he belonged.

Toby just had to go and put himself and Callum on Mitchell’s radar, though. Callum doesn’t want the aggro; he wants to complete his training and go out in the world and do something good. He doesn’t wanna be beaten up by Mitchell before he can do that.

Callum tries not to think about it too much and somehow he seems to be in luck, because Mitchell doesn’t corner him. When they do happen upon each other, Mitchell just gives him a small smirk, sometimes even a nod and walks away.

One day, a couple weeks after the dining hall incident, Callum, Chris and Toby are walking back to their dormitory, when they cross paths with Mitchell and his friends again.

“Alright?!” Mitchell says, smiles a little and walks on.

Callum and his friends turn after the little group, their mouths gaping open. Mitchell’s group of friends is looking back at them just as confused. Mitchel himself is walking on, oblivious to all of it. They start whispering, though Callum can’t make out what they’re saying because they’re already hurrying to catch up with Mitchell.

“What just happened?” Toby asks. Callum shrugs. He has no idea, either. He doesn’t know what to make of Chris’ expression, who’s looking at Callum weirdly.

“Does that happen a lot?” he asks Callum. Callum shrugs again.

“No? I don’t see him often? And if I do, he doesn’t talk to me?” It all sounds like he’s asking questions himself. He looks at Tobey, then turns back to Chris. “This was the first time since the dining hall,” Callum answers honestly. He doesn’t know what Chris wants to hear.

“If you say so.” Chris doesn’t seem to believe him. Callum has no idea why. Why would he lie about talking to Mitchell? It’s not like Callum is friends with him in secret. They’ve never talked to each other apart from that day he tried to help Toby. Callum is so confused.

~*~~*~

They’re getting ready for bed, only Chris and Callum are left in the bathroom. Callum’s just shaved and he’s washing his face when Chris starts speaking.

“I think he fancies you.”

“Huh? What? Sorry, what are you talking about?” Callum thinks he’s missed something, _again_.

“Mitchell,” Chris clarifies. “I think he fancies you. That’s why he’s nice to you.”

“What?” Callum turns to face Chris, his eyes opened wide. He shakes his head. “Are you mad? How is Ben Mitchell nice to me? Any why the hell would him being nice mean he fancies me?” Callum feels like Chris is making no sense.

“Come on, H! You’re the only person who's stopped Mitchell from hitting someone without getting hit in return. He greets you when he sees you! Today he smiled at you! Have you seen that man smile at _anyone_ when it wasn’t in glee? No! I’m telling you, he fancies you!” Chris’ voice is getting louder with every word.

“Chris, mate. Calm down! Even if he did fancy me, I don’t fancy him. He’s not my type,” Callum tells him honestly.

“He’s not?” Chris asks quietly, Callum thinks almost hopefully.

“No, he isn’t. He’s not a nice person. I like kind people, who make others around them feel good. It’s more likely that I’d fancy you rather than Ben Mitchell.” Callum explains.

“Do you?”

“Do I what?” Callum is lost again.

“Do you fancy me, Callum?” Chris is looking at him seriously. Callum needs a moment to process the question.

“I never thought about it.” Callum says honestly, licking his lips. “I like you a lot. You’re my best mate. But we’re in the army. I don’t wanna get kicked out for whatever reason.”

“Callum…” Chris takes a step towards Callum, puts a hand on Callum’s chest. Callum keeps looking at Chris and Chris’ hand and back again. But before Chris can continue, there is a commotion outside, and they spring apart like caught children.

Callum clears his throat. “I-I have to go now. To bed. Alone… erm.” He can’t look at Chris, takes his toiletries and leaves the bathroom.

~*~~*~

Callum hasn’t been alone with Chris since the bathroom incident. And isn’t it funny that he measures time in incidents now? His life! Anyway, he’s not avoiding Chris, no. He just… he wants to be honest with Chris. And before he can do that, Callum has to understand himself and his feelings. So, he avoids being alone with Chris.

Callum likes Chris. Who doesn’t? He’s friendly and outgoing and always there when someone needs help. He’s a good listener and very funny. And he makes Callum’s insides go all tingly. Does that mean he likes Chris? That he fancies him? He’s not sure. But there is only one way to find out.

~*~~*~

“I have to talk to you in private,” Callum says. Chris is in their dorm, on his bed, reading a book. He looks up at Callum.

“Okay,” is all he says. He stands up and gestures to Callum to follow him.

They leave the dorms, and head silently to the weapons barracks. There is a supply room, mostly for cleaning products and apparently that’s where Chris is headed. Chris goes in first, Callum following right behind. Chris checks the room, looks between the shelves that nobody is in there with them.

He abruptly turns to Callum who’s been following him like a puppy.

“Finally decided to talk to me, then?” he asks. He doesn’t sound angry. Callum is relieved.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to avoid you, but I also didn’t wanna lead you on.” Callum looks down and scratches his chin.

“I know, Callum. You’re a good guy. And I never meant to put pressure on you. It’s just, you started it and I thought it meant something and….” Callum stops him there, his hands going to Chris’ arms.

“Hey, no. It’s not your fault. I just needed time to think about my feelings.” He takes a deep breath. “I like you, too, Chris. It’s just that all of this is so new to me. Most of my life I didn’t let myself think about these things. You know about my family. I just wanted to get out of there.” Callum stops for a moment. Chris is looking at him softly.

“I’d like to try, with you. If you’re willing to go slow. Because I don’t know how much I can give you.” Callum looks expectantly at Chris.

“As slow as you want, Callum,” he says. “Can I kiss you?” Callum nods, his mouth dry. Chris smiles at him, leans up to slot their lips together.

Their lips have barely touched when the door opens. They spring apart, Chris turning away from Callum. Callum turns to the door.

“Well, this looks cosy!” Ben Mitchell says, and smirks at them.

Callum feels cold all over. He gestures with his hands, all panicky. He doesn’t know what to say to make things better and Chris is no help.

“Don’t tell me, this one isn’t your boyfriend, either. Because that looked a lot like a kiss there, _mate_.” He emphasises on mate and Callum blushes again.

“We-we were just…” Callum starts, but Mitchell interrupts him.

“Yeah, I know what you were just. Get out of here and find some place that’s actually private to polish your guns.” Mitchell says, looking at Callum.

“We weren’t…” Callum tries once more, but again, Mitchell interrupts him.

“I don’t care. Just get out!” This time all mirth is gone from his voice, and Callum doesn’t want to take any chances. He turns to Chris, takes him by the arm and marches out. Mitchell doesn’t move, so Callum has to brush by him.

They’re both out of the room and Callum is just about to let the door fall closed when Mitchell speaks up again.

“Oh, and Highway?”

“Yeah?” Callum asks, turning back to look at Mitchell.

“You owe me!” Mitchell’s face is unreadable, but Callum knows he’s being serious. He nods and lets go of the door. When he turns around, Chris is nowhere to be found.

~*~~*~

Callum finds Chris back at their dorm and this time it’s thankfully empty of people. Callum sighs in relief and goes over to Chris’ bed.

“Hey, you okay?” Callum asks.

Chris nods. “Yeah, fine.” He stops. “Did… did Mitchel say anything to you?” He avoids Callum’s gaze.

Callum shrugs. “He said I owed him. D’you think that means he won’t say anything?”

“I don’t know,” Chris answers. “But I wouldn’t put it past him to report us. Let’s just take a break.”

“A break?” Callum’s eyebrows furrow. “We’ve barely started. We were gonna take it slow anyway. We’ll just be more careful about where we meet. Is that okay?”

Chris laughs. “And here I was, thinking I’m the experienced one, but it’s you talking me down, calming me. You’re amazing.”

Callum grins goofily. “And don’t you forget that!” He doesn’t give Chris a chance to answer, he leans down and steals a small kiss. Before Chris can react, Callum is already back on his own bed. Chris smiles indulgently and shakes his head. He’s in for something with Callum.

~*~~*~

The next day they don’t see Mitchell and they’re both glad. Callum isn’t sure Mitchell will keep shtum about what he saw. Chris on the other hand thinks they’re save but that they should still be careful when in public.

A couple days later they find out that Mitchell’s unit has finished their training and they’ve been deployed. No wonder they hadn’t had any trouble. They’re finally safe to pursue whatever this thing between them is.

* * *

**THREE YEARS LATER – Kandahar, Afghanistan**

* * *

Callum is stressed. He’s supposed to be finished in the kitchen. They’re getting a new troop of soldiers today and it’s his job to show them around, to explain the workings of the base. And yet, here he is, still cleaning up. He’s gonna kill the others. Leaving him with all the work just to have a quick smoke, only to never come back. Callum mutters to himself, while running around and clearing away things.

He’s just putting away a stack of plates, having left the trays for last, when the door to the dining hall opens.

“It’s about time, you lazy sods,” Callum says without turning around. “Come and give me a hand, I should have been with the new troop 10 minutes ago.”

“Where do you want these, then?” an unknown and yet familiar voice asks a moment later.

Callum turns around and nearly drops the plates he’s carrying. He’s not sure he’s seeing right, but it’s Ben Mitchell. He’s in Callum’s kitchen and carrying a load of trays. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, doesn’t know what to say. Mitchell is the last person he expected to see.

“Did you forget where these go or is there another problem, Highway? I don’t have the time to stand around here all day.”

That startles Callum into action. He shows Mitchell where the trays go and they clear away everything in an uneasy silence. At least it feels uneasy to Callum.

When they’re done and leaving the dining hall, Callum turns to Mitchell.

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

“I’m with the new troop of soldiers. I’m their captain, to be precise. I was told you’d be showing us around and was coming to get you.” Mitchell answers.

“Oh! Ok, yeah! That makes sense. Even though this base is not small, I know most soldiers, even if it’s only by sight. And I’ve never seen you around here until now.” He chuckles nervously, running his hand through his hair. “Sorry, it’s been a hectic morning. Now, where did you leave your boys? I’ll show you to your sleeping barracks and where everything else is.”

They’re silent on their way to the others. Callum is shooting furtive glances at Mitchell, but apparently, he’s not being subtle. Mitchell smiles at him.

“Missed my face, have you?” He asks. Callum flushes again.

“No, um. Just didn’t expect to see you here. It’s been a while.” He’s trying for nonchalance. Mitchell’s look is telling him he’s not successful.

“Neither did I, and yet, here we are. Let’s catch up later, when we’re done for the day.”

Callum is too surprised to say no, so they agree to meet up later that evening, when they are done for the day.

Callum doesn’t know how it happened, but one day it became his job to show around the new troops. He guesses it’s because he’s always nice to everybody and no one has anything bad to say about him. And he doesn’t mind. This way he gets a feel for the new soldiers. He’s made some good friends thanks to his unofficial job.

Mitchell’s troop seems easy-going. There’s a lot of good-natured ribbing, some claps here and there, but no one seems to be an arsehole. It’s not what he expects with Mitchell being their captain. But then again, just because he was a little shit when they were in training, doesn’t mean he can’t lead his troop well.

Callum is much more interested in how Mitchell made captain in such a short time. He’ll have to ask later.

The tour takes the greater part of the morning and they end it where they began, back at the sleeping barracks. And Callum has to hurry to the dining hall, to prepare lunch. He takes one last look at the new troop, his eyes searching out Ben Mitchell. When they finally find him, Mitchell is looking back at Callum. Callum flushes, turns away and quickens his steps.

~*~~*~

They meet up at the barracks and head back to the dining hall. It’s the only place they can have a drink if they don’t want to leave the base. Callum’s a bit nervous and he’s still not sure why he agreed to meet up with Mitchell. But he can’t back out now.

The dining hall isn’t too busy tonight. A few people greet Callum loudly and beckon him over, but he just smiles at them and shakes his head. Mitchell leads them to a table in a secluded area.

“What you having, then?” Mitchell asks, not sitting down. “First round’s on me.”

“A beer, please.” Callum takes a seat, his eyes following Mitchell to the counter. He feels jittery but he wouldn’t be able to explain why if you asked him to.

Mitchell comes back with their drinks and sits down in front of Callum. Callum nods his head in thanks and takes a big mouthful of his drink to calm his nerves. Mitchell is smiling at him knowingly, taking a sip of his own drink.

“So, Mitchell,” Callum begins, but Mitchell interrupts him.

“Ben, please. Mitchell sounds so formal and we go way back.” He winks at Callum. Callum blushes.

“Okay, yeah. In that case, I’m Callum.” He stretches out his hand. Ben looks at it in amusement and lets Callum wait for a moment too long. Callum is about to take it back when Ben’s hand closes around his, firmly, shaking their hands. Callum’s blush turns a deeper shade and he lets go of Ben’s hand.

“So, Ben. How did you end up captain of your own troop? I thought it takes three years before you can make captain? You guys seem like a well-functioning team.” Callum asks, his hands going around his beer bottle for lack of doing anything better with them.

Ben studies him for a second and takes another sip of his beer. He shrugs.

“Right place, tight time. Saved someone important, got fast-tracked in captain training and here I am, commanding my first troop. It’s also only been about six months, so I’m not too far off from those three years,” he answers.

“I didn’t know you were interested in leading.”

“What did you think I was interested in, Callum?” Ben arches an eyebrow, as if daring Callum to say something wrong.

“I don’t know. I just didn’t picture you as a captain, is all.” He laughs nervously, scratching at his chin.

“Have been thinkin’ about me, have you, Callum?” Callum wants to protest, but Ben goes on. “Just kidding. I didn’t picture myself leading a troop, either. But I actually like it. It’s difficult sometimes, stressful with so many men’s lives depending on your decisions. But it’s worth it.” He smiles proudly.

“Sounds like you’ve found your calling.”

“Yeah,” Ben nods. “But it also keeps my mind busy, keeps me from doing stupid things.” He admits. “So, you know…,” he shrugs, trailing off.

Callum remembers their brief time together at training, so he just nods in return.

“How about you?” Ben asks. “Are you always on kitchen duty or was that a punishment for something you did?” He looks expectantly at Callum.

“Nah!” Callum shakes his head, smiling. “It’s part of my duties at base and I really enjoy it. As you said, it keeps my mind busy to cook for so many people. I don’t have to think about anything else.” He stops, feeling like he’s said too much. “Anyway, tell me more about this right place and right time. Who was the VIP you rescued? Anyone I now?”

Ben studies him again, and for a heartbeat Callum is afraid he’ll ask what things he’s avoiding, but Ben surprises him. He changes the subject and tells Callum all about the mission that went wrong but led him on the right path.

Before Callum realises, they’ve been talking for a couple hours and Callum has been enjoying himself. And from the look on Ben’s face, so is he. When Callum peeks at his watch, he’s surprised it’s gotten this late.

“This is it for me for tonight.” Callum starts. “I have to get up early tomorrow, training exercise.” Callum slowly gets up.

Ben gets up with him. “Yeah, me, too. Have to get acquainted with the other officers and get our orders.”

They both head outside. It’s gotten dark and even though it was warm during the day, it’s gotten colder now, and Callum hunches his shoulders to keep himself warm. He’s thinking about his bed, when a pat on his shoulder startles him.

“Well,” Ben says. “Let’s do this again, sometime soon. It was fun catching up.” He smiles at Callum.

Callum, still flushed from their drinks, smiles back and nods. Ben stares at him for a moment longer than he’s comfortable. He turns forward and his hand slowly slips from Callum’s shoulder, almost a caress. It sends shivers down his spine and Callum flushes even more.

They make their way to the sleeping barracks in silence, each lost in their own thoughts, before parting ways and bidding each other good night.

~*~~*~

Callum doesn’t know what he expected but having Ben at the base changes his life. They become friends and Callum is having the time of his life. He’s not forgot where they are, what they’re doing. How can you forget war? But Ben makes it bearable. And he thinks he does the same for Ben.

They spend a lot of their free time together, telling each other about their families and friends at home. Callum finds out Ben has a daughter, Lexi, who lives with her mum and that he visits her whenever he’s on leave. Showing Callum pictures of her proudly. Callum just grins at Ben and gushes about how cute she is.

On one of their rare nights off-base Callum finds out Ben is gay.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise,” he apologises. He’d just pointed out the lady at the bar who had been eying up Ben for the last 15 minutes. Ben had just told him point-blank that he was gay.

“Wait, what about Lexi?” He asks, confused.

“Blimey, Callum. I thought you knew how babies were made?” Ben laughs. Callum flushes. Ben makes a throwaway gesture with his hand.

“It happened before I came out. I was young and trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t gay, trying to prove to my dad that I was his kind of man. It was a quick and very uncomfortable fumble.” He shakes his head. “Didn’t work, of course. When you’re gay, you’re gay. No amount of denial will help. One day it’ll want out. I’m glad I realised that early enough.” He smiles at Callum. “How about you?”

“What about me?” Callum is confused.

“When did you realise you were gay?” Ben asks. Callum feels caught out and then remembers that day with Chris and that Ben had caught them together.

“Right. Erm, yeah.” He stammers around a bit. “I-I, erm, I didn’t realise it for a long time, to be honest. My family wasn’t exactly tolerant, either, and growing up the way I did, I didn’t have time to think about girls or boys. It was about surviving. I realised it after I got out, when there was no one to put pressure on me. But I’m not out-out, you know, with the army being what it is. And being a soldier has always been my dream. So, I’m keeping it on the low. Hardly anyone knows, actually.” Callum shrugs, as if it’s no big deal, smiling a little sadly. Ben nods, knowing what Callum means.

“What about your boyfriend, though?” He suddenly asks.

“My boy-? Oh, no. I don’t have a boyfriend.” Callum answers.

“But I thought-?”

“No, Ben! There is no boyfriend!” Callum says resolutely, stopping any more questions. Callum doesn’t wanna talk about Chris, about what happened to him. Not even to Ben. And Ben seems to understand that. He changes the subject, distracting Callum from his gloomy mood.

~*~~*~

“Our units are doing a joint recce mission today.” Ben ambushes Callum outside the dining hall, startling him. It’s early morning. “You excited about going on a mission with me?” he asks cheekily.

Callum rolls his eyes, snorting. “Yeah, more like see you fail, you mean.” He grins at Ben, his eyes crinkling.

Ben grins back, clapping him on the back. “Go get ready, we’re leaving at 0800.”

They load up their vehicles, with weapons and provisions. They go over their mission objective one more time.

“Okay, boys,” Ben begins. “Our objective this morning is civil reconnaissance. As far as we know, the area we’re scouting out is only inhabited by civilians, so this should be easy. Get in, check out the infrastructure, the facilities. Keep your eyes open for any suspicious activity. Be careful out there! And watch each other’s backs. No man gets left behind!” The men confirm and pile in the cars and they head out.

~*~~*~

One minute they’re driving through the small town, the next they’re being shot at from all sides. They should have expected it, it had been too quiet, too empty. No normal civilian town was that empty.

Callum’s car gets rammed and before they can do it again and flip it, they’re all clambering out, weapons out, shooting at their ambushers. They take cover in an alley, piling behind a crumbling wall. Callum is trying his best, but it’s pure chaos.

Tony, their OC, keeps them together, tells them what to do. Their com-guy sends out the message ‘contact. wait out’ to the base, letting command know what's happened.

They’re supposed to look for the other team. Something about bigger numbers. Callum only hears half of it. Tony signals and they head out slowly, keeping cover. The other team is huddled behind their upturned car, getting shot at. Tony makes himself known through radio and Ben’s head turns in their direction. Thank God, he’s alive.

They agree that they’ll wait for a lull in the fire and that Tony’s team will cover Ben’s while they try to get to the safety of the wall. Not a minute later and there is the lull and Ben’s team is running over in twos. Ben’s the last one. He’s just about reached Callum’s unit when he’s shot and goes down. Callum’s heart skips a beat and he freezes. A thousand thoughts are running through his head, not again being the most prominent.

Someone says Ben’s alive, that he moved his head and Callum can breathe again. Then two of Ben’s men are running back for him, pulling him behind the wall.

Once back in relative safety, they pull out the first aid kit. They all have basic medical training, but Callum has helped out in the medic unit a couple times when they needed another pair of helping hands, so Tony tells him to get on with it. To keep Ben alive until they can be rescued. As if he needs to be told.

He inspects Ben’s wound as carefully as he can, but Ben keeps groaning in pain. Callum says ‘it’s all right’ over and over again, not sure who he is trying to calm down, Ben or himself.

Ben's been shot in the abdomen. Callum can’t find an exit wound, so the bullet is still inside Ben. He hopes no vital organs were hit. Callum needs to stop the bleeding though, because he can’t do a blood transfusion out here. He pulls out as much gauze as he can and presses it on the wound. Ben’s body arches in pain and Callum shouts that he needs help to hold Ben down. Ben’s men surround them, lending a helping hand. He gestures to one of them.

“Here, put pressure on the wound. I need to inject him with anaesthetics and antibiotics.” Callum looks through the kit, finds what he needs. He’s thankful that the kits have measured medication and injects Ben first with the anaesthetics and then with the antibiotics.

Ben stutters out ‘Lex’ and Callum’s heart constricts. He has to keep Ben alive, Ben has a daughter who needs him. They all wait with bated breath and slowly Ben’s thrashing weakens and Callum sighs.

“Okay, let me take over,” Callum says, careful while taking over and putting pressure on Ben’s wound. It’s all they can do for now.

The shooting has ceased. Callum isn’t sure it’s because their ambushers have run out of ammunition or they’re waiting for them to come out.

Tony turns to Callum, points at Ben. “How is he?”

Callum shrugs. “There is no exit wound, so the bullet is still in there. We’re keeping pressure on the wound, to stop the bleeding. I’ve injected him with anaesthetics and antibiotics, so he’s calm for now. But he needs surgery. There is nothing else I can do here.” Callum answers truthfully.

Tony nods. “We’ve had contact with base. They’re sending out men our way. But they have to be careful not to get ambushed themselves, so it might take a while. See that he’s alive when they find us!”

“Yes, sir!” Callum affirms. Tony claps a couple guys on their shoulders and turns back again.

When Callum looks back down at Ben, Ben’s eyes are open and staring up at Callum. He’s trying to say something. Callum leans down.

“Th-thank you,” Ben whispers. Callum just nods.

“Hold on,” he says.

~*~~*~

It takes way too long before they’re found. Callum has to inject Ben a couple more times, fearing that any movement might dislodge the bullet and make things worse.

Ben is flown back to base. Callum goes with him, telling the medic on the heli how much medication he gave Ben.

The medic nods and gives instructions over to base to prepare the surgery. The bullet needs to be removed as soon as possible. When they land, Ben is rushed to surgery, but they stop Callum. He needs to be checked out as well. He nods reluctantly and lets himself be examined.

In Callum’s tired mind it takes longer than it should, but finally they’re told that Ben is out of surgery. But they’re keeping him sedated. He will need to be transferred soon, probably back home. Callum is just relieved that Ben’s alive. He hides out in his own bathroom and cries and cries and cries.

~*~~*~

It’s been three weeks and four days since the ambush and Callum is not okay. Ben’s been shipped home. They hadn’t been able to say goodbye, the medics had still kept him sedated.

Callum is going out of his mind, wants to contact Ben, wants to know how he’s doing. But he doesn’t want to come on too strong. He’d sent an email last week, telling Ben all about the goings-on at the base, who was being a jack and how his troop was doing without him. Telling him to write back when he was able to.

He hadn’t got an answer as of yet. And he knows it’s way too early and that Ben needs time to recover. And yet, Callum can’t stop worrying about it.

He has a bit of free time before he has to get back to training, so he heads off to the sleeping barracks. On his bed he finds an envelope, addressed to him. His name is written in a frilly hand. He picks it up, looks around, as if he can find a clue what it’s about. He shakes his head at himself, sits down on his bed and opens the envelope.

There are two letters and a picture in it. He picks up the picture first and his breath stutters. It’s a picture of Ben and Lexi, taken at the hospital. They’re both smiling at the camera. Ben is still pale, but he’s hugging Lexi to himself. Callum swallows a couple times, trying to keep his tears at bay. But it’s a losing battle.

He opens one of the letters and it’s actually a drawing. There are three people in it, two soldiers in green with a little girl in a pink dress in the middle, all holding hands. It’s supposed to be Ben and Lexi and Callum, the figures all having their names written underneath. In crooked letters it says: THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY DAD! Callum smiles through his tears. Lexi is so precious. He folds the drawing carefully and picks up the other letter. This one is from Ben.

> _Callum,_
> 
> _Thank you for everything you’ve done to keep me alive. I’m feeling much better now. Thanks to you I got to see my little girl again. I’ll never forget what you did._
> 
> _I got your email. Sorry it’s taken this long to answer. Lexi absolutely insisted on sending you that drawing and no, it had to be the real thing and not on the computer, daddy. That’s what she said, so there you go._
> 
> _I hope Max is doing a good job as a deputy captain. And if not, I’ll be back in no time, you can tell him that. If you could still keep me updated about base life, I’d be grateful._
> 
> _Hope to hear from you soon._
> 
> _Ben xx_

Callum is crying full on now, not caring that someone might come in. He’s so relieved. For a moment out there, he’d thought he’d lost Ben forever and it’d scared him. Scared him that it was happening again, that he was gonna lose someone important to him once more.

But Ben is doing okay, he’s home with his daughter, recuperating. He smiles and brushes away his tears. _Ben is doing okay_ , he repeats to himself. It doesn’t matter that he’s thousands of kilometres away. He’s okay and with Lexi and Callum will see him again. He’s sure of it. He folds Ben’s letter and puts everything away in the tin box he keeps in his bedside drawer for safekeeping.

Callum smiles, feeling a huge weight lift from his chest.

~*~~*~

That's how it starts. They send each other letters when Lexi has something to send or when Callum wants to send something back to her. But mostly, they exchange emails. It’s easier and much, much faster. When Callum has the time, they even try to video chat. That’s how he meets Lexi for the first time. She’s a bubbly little thing and Callum can’t help himself but love her.

They’re on another video chat, and Lexi is present again. Ben’s already moved home, they’re sitting in the living room. Well, Ben is sitting, Lexi is coming and going, showing something or other to Callum.

They’re talking about Ben’s training, when he’ll start again, when Lexi interrupts them.

“Daddy, is Callum your new boyfriend?” They both freeze, Callum blushing furiously.

“Er, no princess. We’re really good mates.” Ben tells her.

“So, he’s not like Paul?” She asks innocently, looking at Ben with huge eyes. Ben stills and Callum thinks their stream has frozen but Lexi is still moving, so it must be just Ben.

“No, darling.” He says after a while, blinking rapidly. “Paul was different.”

Lexi shrugs. “Okay!” She says and runs away again. Ben turns to Callum.

“Look, Callum, I have to go. Talk to you soon, yeah?” With that Ben tuns off the stream, not giving Callum a chance to say anything else.

Callum would be lying if he said he wasn’t hurt by Ben ending their conversation so abruptly. He guesses it was because Lexi mentioned Paul. Who was apparently Ben’s ex? Callum wonders what happened between them to make Ben react that way, but he soon gives up. He doesn’t wanna make a big deal out of it.

But when he doesn’t hear from Ben for a couple days, he wants Ben to know that he’s there for him, no matter what. So, he decides to send Ben a short email.

> _Hey Ben!_
> 
> _Haven’t heard from you in a while, hope you’re okay. You know you can tell me anything, right?  
> _
> 
> _Callum xx_

~*~~*~

Callum doesn’t hear from Ben for two more weeks. He’s freaking out again, wondering what’s happened. Normally Ben sends Callum a message every couple days, sometimes just pictures of him and Lexi and Lola and Jay, who are Lexi’s mum and Ben’s brother. Sometimes they’re just one-liners, that PT is killing him but that he wants to get better as soon as possible.

But he gets nothing for two weeks, even though he’s sent countless messages. Wait, perhaps that’s why Ben isn’t responding? Is he annoyed with Callum?

Before Callum can freak out properly, he gets a notification about a new email. His heart is in his throat. Is it an email from Ben? Gingerly he checks and… yes, yes, it is. Callum tries to calm down his heart, who knows what Ben will say. He takes a deep breath and starts reading.

> _Callum,_
> 
> _I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to write to you. I was confused and not sure how to tell you what I’m about to. Do you remember Lexi mentioning Paul? The last time we spoke?  
> _
> 
> _Even though we’ve talked about a lot of things, I never told you about Paul. He was my first boyfriend, my first love. He was the reason I came out. I loved him and I wanted to be with him, no matter what my dad said. And for a short while, we were happy._
> 
> _You remember my dad? I only told you that he had dodgy dealings. The truth is a bit more complicated. The people he’s in business with are crooked. One day my old man did something they didn’t like. A group of his business associates happened upon me and Paul, they were probably looking for me. They knew I was his son. They thought if they roughed me up, it’d send a message to my dad._
> 
> _When they attacked me, I told Paul to run. But he didn’t, wouldn’t leave me back. He was beat up severely, we both were. They didn’t find us for a couple hours. Our attackers had left us behind, hidden in an alley. When they finally found us, it was too late for Paul.  
> _
> 
> _Paul was a diabetic and combined with the injuries he’d sustained, he never woke up. He was in a coma for a long time, until his family decided to take him off life support._
> 
> _The bastards who attacked us didn’t know that my dad had disowned me. By that time, I hadn’t been part of his family and their attack didn’t change that. They killed Paul for nothing. My dad didn’t even bat an eyelash when he found out. That’s how much he hated having a gay son._
> 
> _I don’t know what I would have done without Lexi and Lola and Jay. They were all that was keeping me alive. My head was a mess and I was ready to end it. Lola had Jay and I knew he’d be a good father to Lexi. But just the idea of leaving her, of her thinking I didn’t love her enough to stay alive kept me going. I wanted to be a better dad to her than my own._
> 
> _That’s how I joined the army. It was never out of interest and love the way you did it. I knew I needed to get away, clear my head. And joining the army was the easiest way, without giving up on my family. It would take me away and during training I could live out my fantasies of killing those bastards that attacked Paul and me. But I could always return to my family._
> 
> _Lexi never met Paul, she only knows him from pictures. But I told her about him. I wanted her to know, even if she was too young to properly understand._
> 
> _I’m sorry I freaked out on you. I didn’t know what to do when she mentioned Paul. I wasn’t ready to talk about him. You’re one of my best mates, Callum, and I like you, a lot. I just didn’t want you to think badly of me._
> 
> _I hope you can forgive me for my long silence. Take care of yourself and don’t be a stranger._
> 
> _Love, Ben xx_

By the time Callum finishes reading, he’s crying. His heart aches for Ben and what he went through. But he also knows he’s one of the few people who might understand what happened to Ben. He decides to write back right away, before Ben gets the wrong idea.

> _Ben,_
> 
> _I’m sorry you went through all that and that your dad doesn’t understand what he has with you. I’m glad you have Lexi, Lola and Jay and that they kept you from doing something terrible. This world would be poorer without you. I’m happy you’re alive and that you’re my friend._
> 
> _I guess it’s time to tell you my story. I know you know about Chris. Chris Kennedy, who was in training with us. I remember the day you caught us so vividly. It was our first kiss. And before we could get anywhere at all, you were stood at the door, scaring us._
> 
> _I actually thought you’d report us, don’t ask me why. But Chris was adamant you wouldn’t. When we found out that your unit had been deployed, we were happy. We felt safe. And we were. We had time to explore whatever it was between us and we fell in love._
> 
> _It was easily the happiest time of my life, those 42 weeks of training with Chris. We spent most of our time at training together and when we had time off, we met up and spent more time in each other’s pocket._
> 
> _It happened on our last holiday before our unit got deployed. Chris had left the training camp earlier, wanting to visit his sister, before we met up that evening. It was Valentine’s Day and we’d planned a romantic dinner, away from prying eyes._
> 
> _Chris and I never got to meet up that night. I waited for him, but he never showed up. I was angry, but mostly I was disappointed. I tried reaching him, but he didn’t answer his phone. I called his sister, Vicky. When she told me he’d left hours ago, we both started worrying. But we couldn’t do anything._
> 
> _When Vicky finally called me, it was to tell me that Chris had been in an accident and that he was dead. He was on his way to meet me when another car crashed into him. The other driver was drunk, way over the limit. Chris died on impact, while I was sat at home, being angry and disappointed at him._
> 
> _I struggled with that, couldn’t get back to training for a while. It’s why I didn’t ship out with my initial unit. I took leave for a few weeks. Visited Vicky and helped her with Chris’ funeral._
> 
> _When I was ready, I finished my training and left with another unit. I haven't seen her since. I couldn’t deal with going back home, facing Vicky. She never blamed me, but it’s hard to get over the fact that Chris was on his way to meet me. Had he stayed with Vicky, he might be alive today._
> 
> _The last time I talked about Chris was with Vicky, before I returned to training. She said she was happy that Chris and I got to love each other, that she’d never seen him so happy. Chris apparently used to write letters to her about me, even before we got together._
> 
> _I loved hearing that, but it was also painful, knowing I’d never have that again. So, I left and never returned home. Even when we get back from deployment, I always stay at home base. There’s nothing out there for me without Chris._
> 
> _When you asked me about him, I clamped up, even though you didn’t say his name. The people in my new unit don’t know about Chris, so they’ve never asked me. When they wanted to know why I deferred finishing training, I told them it was personal, and they left it at that. And I’m grateful that you didn’t press me when I didn’t wanna talk about him._
> 
> _But it was time now, to tell you all about it. I hope you know that I do understand what you went through with Paul and that if you ever need to talk about him, I’m here. I might not have known him, but you can tell me all about him._
> 
> _I’ll always be your friend!_
> 
> _Callum xx_

A couple days later Callum gets a short email from Ben, telling him to take his overdue holiday and to come visit him in London.

* * *

**ONE MONTH LATER – London, England**

* * *

Callum hasn’t been back in the UK for about 6 months. He’s missed it, of course, he has. Everything is familiar here, the people, the streets and even the weather. But most of his friends are in the army and he hasn’t heard from his family in ages. So being back feels strange.

But Callum is excited about the upcoming two weeks, to see Ben again and to finally meet Lexi in person. Ben had offered up the guest room in his house and Callum had accepted. He likes not having to deal with the hassle of finding a hotel room that’s not too expensive and checking in and checking out. Callum hadn’t specified when he’d be arriving when he’d last talked to Ben, just that it would be sometime today.

When Callum arrives in Walford, he finds himself in the middle of a market, with people shouting about their wares and punters looking for the cheapest prices. Callum stops by one of the stands and asks for directions. Ben seems to live nearby, not even five minutes away.

At Ben’s door, Callum hesitates. He’s excited, but it’s a nervous excitement. He doesn’t know how it will feel to see Ben again. He checks his clothes one last time, takes a deep breath and knocks. After a moment Callum hears ‘I’ll get it’ from inside and the door opens.

Callum’s breath catches, because it’s Ben who’s opened the door. Ben himself freezes for a moment before throwing himself at Callum and hugging him tightly. Callum is surprised but he lets go of his bag and hugs back just as tightly. They stay in each other’s arms, swaying slightly, until a female voice from inside the house interrupts them.

“Ben? Who is it?”

Callum opens his eyes (and when had that happened?) and looks behind Ben. He recognises her from the pictures Ben had shown him, it’s Lola. Ben lets go of Callum but keeps his hand on his arm and turns back to Lola.

“Lo, this is Callum.” He gestures from Callum to Lola. “Callum, this is Lola.”

“Come in, come in,” she says and pulls Callum inside and into another hug. She whispers ‘thanks for saving him’ into his neck, lets go and leads him into the living room.

The room is spacious, neat and yet lived in. It’s painted in a pale blue with no wallpaper. There are a couple toys lying around. Lola goes to get Callum a drink, while Callum and Ben take a seat.

Callum keeps looking around, still nervous. When his eyes finally land on Ben, Ben is smiling at him. Callum blushes but grins back. That’s how Lola finds them, grinning at each other like idiots.

“So, Callum,” she puts down his drink in front of him and sits down beside Ben. “How was your journey?”

Callum takes a sip and shrugs. “It was okay. Our regiment returned to home base, so it was rowdy and loud, but fun.” He gestures at Ben. “Ben here probably remembers how it is, everyone is just excited to return to their families. It was a good excuse to come and visit.” He smiles at them both.

Ben nods knowingly. Callum has a difficult time keeping his eyes off him, studying every little detail about him. Ben looks good though, he seems fine. There are no obvious signs of pain. Callum is relieved.

Suddenly Ben claps his hands and startles Callum. He grins wide at Callum’s reaction.

“So, you ready to have fun the next two weeks, then?” He asks.

“Sure, if your injuries don’t prevent you from going out and about.” Callum shrugs.

“He’s supposed go out, Callum. Being cooped up at home is no good for him.” Lola intervenes. Ben shoves her, making them all laugh.

“Okay, come on,” Ben says, getting up. “I’ll show you to your room. You can come down when you’re ready. When I get back with Lexi from school, we’ll all have lunch together. After that we can decide on a battle plan for your holiday.” He smiles at Callum, who follows after him.

Ben shows him to his room. It’s small but comfortable and it has an en suite bathroom.

“So, you won’t have to fight with anybody else in the mornings. And it's big enough to accommodate all of you” Ben says and winks at Callum. Callum flushes again and wonders if he stopped turning red once since he entered this house. Probably not.

Ben’s face turns serious after a moment.

“I’m glad you came,” he says quietly and licks his lips. Callum’s eyes follow the movement.

“So am I.” He answers just as quietly. They’re finally alone and Callum can’t look away from Ben, studies his face, tries to see if he looks different from what he remembers.

Ben’s lost his tan and the dark circles under his eyes are more prominent, but apart from that he looks the same. He looks good. Not deathly pale anymore. Callum might even say happy. It’s probably because of Lexi. Callum would be happy, too, if he had her around.

When Callum realises that Ben is studying him in return, the air around them changes, feels thick with tension. Callum feels unsure and clumsy. He scratches at his chin, doesn’t know what to do with himself.

But as always, Ben seems to understand without Callum having to say anything and he looks away first. He claps Callum on the back and turns to leave.

“I’ll let you get settled. I might be out getting Lexi, depending when you’ll come downstairs. Please make yourself at home.” With that he closes the door quietly and leaves Callum alone with his thoughts.

Callum sits down heavily on the bed and buries his face in his hands. He breathes slowly, counting till ten, trying to calm down. He doesn’t understand why Ben has this effect on him, why he feels so alive when they’re together and yet parts of him want to run away and hide from the world.

Callum feels confused but he hasn’t had anybody to talk to since Chris died, no one to tell about his feelings. Ben’s come close, but Callum can’t talk about these feelings with him. Not yet. He takes one last deep breath and gets up and starts unpacking.

~*~~*~

When he gets downstairs after having taken a shower, the house is empty. At first Callum wants to sit down and wait for Ben and Lexi, but he feels strange doing nothing. And Ben had mentioned something about lunch, so Callum wanders into the kitchen and looks around. He doesn’t see any prepared food. He rummages through the fridge and the cupboards - Ben had told him to make himself at home, so - and finds a few things he can turn into something edible and gets going.

The backdoor opening startles Callum. He sets down the knife and turns around to see Ben ushering Lexi in.

“--things away and go get washed, little madame. We’ll have lunch in a bit.” Ben is just saying but seeing Callum in the kitchen stops him. Callum waves, smiling nervously.

“Hi! Erm, I was bored, and you told me to make myself at home? So, I cooked? I hope you guys like Spaghetti Bolognese?” Callum babbles.

“Wow, you’re really tall!” Lexi interrupts, making Ben snort and Callum laugh.

“Yeah, I am a bit tall. Sorry,” Callum says, crouching down. He looks at Ben, before he stretches his hand out to Lexi. “Nice to finally meet you in person, Miss Lexi.”

Lexi looks at Callum’s hand and then up at her daddy. Ben nods at her. She takes a couple steps towards Callum, ignores his hand, and hugs him. Callum feels overwhelmed but hugs her back. She’s such a tiny human.

“Okay, let him go, Lex.” Ben interrupts them. “Now, go and get ready. And remember to wash your hands!”

Lexi lets go of Callum. “Okay, daddy,” she says and skips out of the room, already taking off her coat and backpack. Callum looks after her, smiling.

“She really is something, Ben. You’ve done well with her.”

“That’s mostly Lola and Jay’s work, what with me being away so much. But her gobby mouth, that she definitely gets from me.” Callum grins at that, looking down. He scratches at his chin.

“I hope you don’t mind that I cooked.” He says after a moment of silence, feeling shy.

“Nah,” Ben shakes his head. “I was gonna order Chinese. A home cooked meal is much better.” He smirks at Callum. “And definitely something I could get used to!” Ben winks, making Callum blush. He rolls his eyes and turns away. He spies a kitchen towel and throws it at Ben.

“Help me set the table. I’ll be done with the salad in a minute and we can eat.”

“We’ll have to wait for Lola and Jay. I’ll text them to hurry up.” Ben answers and goes to take off his own coat.

Not five minutes later Lola is coming in with Jay and introductions are being made. They set the table together, Callum plates up and they all sit down to eat.

He watches Ben with his family, tries to get a feel for their dynamics. Lexi is obviously the little princess of the family, with everyone doting on her. Lola tries to set boundaries for her. He catches Ben winking at Lexi and her grinning back at him. Callum is glad Ben gets to come home to this. That he has a little daughter who loves him very much.

~*~~*~

That first night Callum has trouble sleeping. He’s been tossing and turning around, but he can’t sleep. He checks the clock on the bedside table and groans. It’s too late to be awake but definitely too early to get up yet. He sighs.

He decides to try warm milk. He’ll be a walking zombie come morning without any sleep. Lexi has been excited to spend the day with him and her dad. He can’t disappoint her.

He makes his way downstairs quietly, not wanting to wake up the others. In the kitchen, he pours himself some milk and puts in the microwave to heat it up. He watches the timer, so he can stop the microwave before it dings. He carefully sits down at the kitchen table, blowing on his hot milk.

A throat-clearing startles Callum out of his thoughts. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but his milk isn’t hot anymore, so that should be an indication. He looks up and sees Jay standing in the doorway. They smile at each other.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Jay asks. Callum shrugs. “Yeah, Ben always has trouble sleeping the first couple days when he comes back home, too.” He gestures at Callum’s cup. “Is that hot milk?”

“It was.”

Jay get himself a glass of water and sits down with Callum.

“So, how you finding it, being back?” Jay asks.

“It’s strange, because life over there is so contained. Sure, we do have our routines, and we go out and have a drink. But it’s the same faces every day. Everything out here is so big, so crowded, like I could get lost any minute. I’m not sure which I like more.” He laughs. “I don’t know. Am I making sense? It’s very late and my brain is sleepy.”

“Yes, it does.” Jay nods. “Ben said something similar when he came home that first time. You’ll get used to it.” Callum smiles at him.

"I wanted to thank you for what you did for Ben. For keeping him alive." Jay says after a moment of silence. Callum's smile disappears.

"There is no need for that. I-" Callum starts, but he doesn't get very far.

"Ben told me what happened. Well, as much as he remembers, anyway. And that's mostly you. Keeping him alive. Talking to him. Calming him. The rest of it is a blur."

"Not for me," Callum says quietly and promptly covers his mouth. Stopping himself from saying more. He shakes his head, hoping Jay will understand. 

“Okay, well. I’m off to bed." Jay finally says. He seems to have the same mind reading ability Ben has. Callum is grateful. "You should head up soon as well. Lexi will run you ragged tomorrow!”

“Ta. I’ll just finish this.” Callum points at his cold milk.

Jay looks at him for another moment, before nodding and heading out. Callum sighs, feeling the tiredness pulling at his eyes.

~*~~*~

Callum loves being with Ben and his family. They’re a tight knit unit, much like those in the army, sometimes brash and loud but he can see love in their every interaction. The mornings are his favourite, when they’re all running around, getting Lexi ready, making her breakfast, packing her lunch. It looks like he’s watching a choreographed play, with Lexi always being the centre of attention. And she obviously enjoys it.

These last couple days they’ve been exploring the city together. Callum is no stranger to London but discovering things from Ben and his family’s perspective is fun. It paints London in a softer light.

Lexi demands a lot of Callum’s attention, just as with the other adults in her life, wanting to show him her favourite animals at the zoo, or that café her mummy took her. And look, there is a fair here, can we please go?

Callum knows he’s a pushover when it comes to her, but he loves seeing her smile. It reminds him so much of Ben. So, he spoils her a little (a lot). Lola’s told him off already, but Ben had grinned at him, not being able to say no his little girl, either.

A couple of times he’s managed to wander around on his own, when everybody’s been busy. He didn’t mind. He’d just took off and walked around, trying to get lost in the bustle of the city. He loves being back here. And a little part of him doesn’t want to go back. He wants to stay here forever, with Ben and his family.

~*~~*~

Callum checks his hair in the mirror one last time, smooths out his shirt. This will have to do. They’re going out tonight, Lola, Jay, Ben and Callum. Ben wants to show him his mother’s gay bar. Apparently, Kathy – Ben’s mum - had been inspired by him. Ben had laughed, when he’d told Callum the story. His mother had wanted to find him a steady boyfriend and thought opening up a gay bar would bring all the boys to Ben. Only, Ben had left for the army and was still single.

Callum thinks it’s a lovely gesture. His mum left them when Callum was too young to remember her, having had enough of her violent husband. They’d never heard from her again.

And now Callum is going to meet Ben’s mother. He is nervous. He wants her to like him. He’ll be on his best behaviour. He nods to himself and goes to join the others.

The Prince Albert is not too far from they live, so they walk over there. Lola has linked their arms together, telling him outrageous stories from when they were teenagers. Callum thinks she’s exaggerating and looks to Jay. Jay shakes his head. Ben is just grinning. He thinks he should be afraid, but he’s mostly entertained by their antics. Soon after, they arrive at the bar.

The bar itself is packed, the music blaring loudly. There are posters of half-naked men and women, but they’re tasteful. Everything is bright and colourful. Callum likes it.

They make their way to the bar, Lola and Jay going to secure a table. A couple minutes later, with drinks in their hands, they find them in a corner booth, talking to someone. When she turns around to greet them, Callum realises it’s Ben’s mum. She’s a gorgeous lady with a big smile.

Ben hugs her and turns to introduce Callum. She ignores his hand and hugs him tightly, patting his back. Right when Callum is starting to feel uncomfortable, Ben saves him.

“Mum, let him go. You’re embarrassing him.”

She lets go of Callum and he can see that she has tears in her eyes. She smiles up at him.

“You’re my hero, Callum. Thank you for saving my boy. I don’t know what I would have done, if I’d lost him.”

Callum ducks his head, overwhelmed by her reaction. He can feel himself tense, clenching and unclenching his fists over and over again.

“She’s only saying that because I haven’t annoyed her, yet, today. As soon as I say something she doesn’t like, she’ll tell me off, forgotten all about my injury.” Ben says theatrically, taking the attention from Callum. Callum is grateful.

“Oh, shush,” Kathy says and claps Ben’s back playfully. Ben holds up his hands, pointing to his mother, making everybody laugh. It loosens the tension inside Callum a little.

Kathy turns back to Callum. “I’m Kathy, by the way. Come, sit, let’s all have a drink.”

~*~~*~

As the night goes on, Callum slowly relaxes again. Kathy has tons of embarrassing stories about Ben, making him pout and everybody else laugh. Apparently, Ben is a huge musical fan and he used to put on Kathy’s dresses and re-enact his favourite scenes, singing and dancing. Callum has tears in his eyes, he's laughed so much and asks whether there are pictures he can see.

There is a brief moment when he feels uncomfortable again. He’s gone up to the bar to get the next round in, when a stranger comes up to him. He nods at Callum, trying to smile, but it mostly looks like a grimace.

“Haven' seen you ‘ere before,” he slurs, smelling like a distillery. Callum just looks away.

The man nudges him, trying to get his attention. “Hey, whazz yo name?” He smacks his lips, making Callum flinch. He’s too close for comfort.

“Sorry, mate, not interested,” Callum says, trying to move away furtively.

Before the other man can say something else, Ben slides up to Callum, crowding his space, putting his arm around Callum. Callum tenses for a heartbeat but relaxes when he sees it’s Ben. He tries for a smile. Ben just nods.

“You need help with the drinks, babe?” he asks, putting himself between Callum and the drunk guy.

“Yeah, thanks,” Callum answers, blushing. He leans into Ben, feeling safe. They smile at each other.

The drunk guy gets the message and leaves, mumbling into his drink.

Callum sighs in relief, turns to Ben.

“Thank you for that. I don’t think he would have left me alone without you.”

“You’re alright,” Ben winks at him. Callum blushes again, looking down. They wait in comfortable silence, still leaning into each other and join the others when their drinks are ready.

Halfway through the evening, Kathy says her goodbyes, hugging Callum again and telling him to come around for breakfast soon. Callum promises he will.

With Kathy gone, Lola pulls them all to the dancefloor, saying they all need the stress relief. Callum feels clumsy, too flaily in his big body, but Ben insists, pulling out the puppy eyes and Callum gives in. He does feel embarrassed, but he’s with his friends and they’re all having fun, laughing. Lola is right, it’s a relief to let go.

When they call it a night, Callum is pleasantly buzzed. He’s flushed and feels sweaty, but the walk back home cools him down a bit. When they’re back, he turns to Lola.

“Thank you for tonight. I didn’t know I needed that.” He kisses her on the cheek.

“Anytime you wanna go out again, you know where to find me,” she says, smiling up at him sweetly. He kisses her again, making Jay protest.

“Oi, that’s my missus. Enough of that!” Jay is definitely drunk. Lola snorts.

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s get you to bed, mister.” She turns to Callum and Ben. “Goodnight, boys!” She pulls Jay towards the stairs, patting him on his back.

Callum looks after them fondly.

“They’re good together,” he says, turning to Ben.

“Yeah,” Ben nods. “They’ve been it for each other for a very long time. It just took them a while to work things out.”

“Because of you and Lexi?”

“That, too. They had other things keeping them apart as well. But all that is ancient history, now. Jay loves Lexi as if she were his own. We’re a family. Hell, with me being away so much, he’s had to step up even more. I’m just happy my little princess has one more person fighting in her corner.” He smiles up at Callum.

“She’s lucky to have all of you.” Callum comments. He’s about to head upstairs as well, when Ben stops him.

“Listen. I hope my mum didn’t make you uncomfortable. It’s just, to her, you’re a hero, because you saved her son.” Ben points at himself. “She’ll love you forever now.” Ben’s grin is infectious.

“No, she was alright. She loves you and she shows it.” Callum swallows, feeling his throat close up. “Erm, I’m gonna head up. It’s been a long day. Good night, Ben.”

Ben stops him again.

“You sure you’re okay, Callum?” Ben asks, concerned.

“Yeah, just tired. Not used to going out anymore.” He tries to smile. But he can see on Ben’s face that he’s not doing a good job. “Just need a good night’s rest. I’ll see you tomorrow!” Callum turns and quickly makes his way to his room.

~*~~*~

Ben is lying there motionless, his uniform drenched in blood. The heat is overwhelming, coupled with the cacophony of being shot at from everywhere. _And Ben is lying there motionless._ Callum wants to go get him, check his pulse. Do something! But the others are holding him back, telling him it’s too late. No, it’s not! Not Ben, too! No, no, no…

Callum opens his eyes, his heart racing. He sits up, looking around frantically. For a moment he doesn’t remember where he is. Just a second ago, Ben was… Callum closes his eyes. Yeah, okay. Another nightmare. He sighs. He puts his face in his hands, breathing deeply, trying to calm his heart.

When it doesn’t work, he gets up, opens his window, letting in the cool night air. Hoping it will help. He walks up and down, trying to lose the jittery energy, but to no avail. The room is too small, and he can only take two steps before he has to turn around. He runs his hands through his hair, pulling at it every now and then. His mind won’t shut up, taking him back to the ambush. Callum feels like his heart is gonna explode out of his chest. He needs to get out of this room. He needs more space or he’ll suffocate.

He grabs a hoody and leaves his room as quietly as he can. He doesn’t know where he wants to go, but he needs to get out, try and clear his mind. When he turns into the kitchen, he stops abruptly.

Ben is sitting at the kitchen table, an unopened beer bottle in his hand, staring at nothing. He startles when he hears Callum come in. Their eyes lock.

Ben’s eyes are red, he looks like he’s been crying. Callum hesitates. Should he go back? But he can’t leave Ben like this.

“Can’t sleep?” He asks hesitantly, gets a beer and sits down beside Ben. Ben doesn’t say anything.

Callum plays with his bottle, not opening it yet. Ben sighs.

“Nightmares,” he says quietly. “You know, about-.” He stops, his hand moving to his now healed wound.

Callum stills, bottle forgotten in his hand. He turns to Ben slowly, studying him.

“I know about those,” he finally says. “Had one myself.” Ben looks at him. Callum shrugs.

“How’s PT going?” He changes the subject, needing to forget about nightmares.

“It’s not, actually.” At Callum’s confused look, Ben explains. “Apparently there is something wrong with my left ear.” He sighs, shaking his head. “They-they don’t know if I can return to active duty.”

Callum is shocked. Ben hadn’t said anything about more injuries. No one had.

“I thought you were getting better?”

“Yeah, the bullet wound is all healed up, it has been long enough. And there is no lasting internal damage. But the ear, it's a recent development, probably after effects of how I landed after I got shot. They don’t know how it happened, but there is some damage and…” Ben stops, pulling something small out of his ear. “Didn’t you notice this little thing?” He asks, showing Callum a little earpiece.

He wants to answer, but Ben stops him, putting it back in. He shrugs at Callum’s curious look.

“I can’t hear much without the aid. They don’t know if my hearing will come back or not. I’ll have to get check ups every couple weeks. And till then, I’m staying here.”

“Oh!” Callum says quietly. “I didn’t realise. And you never said anything. Why?”

Ben shrugs again, biting his lips. “I didn’t wanna ruin your holiday. Talking about maybe not returning to the army? Not so much fun… And I didn’t want you to pity me.”

“Ben, I wouldn’t have-,” Callum starts saying, but stops himself when he sees Ben tense.

Callum doesn’t want to upset him by saying the wrong thing. He studies Ben, the way he holds himself, his eyes weary, the dark circles under his eyes even more prominent under the too bright kitchen light. Like he’s ready for a fight. And Callum understands.

Ben’s been hurting all this time, not knowing what his future will bring. Whether he can return to the army or not. He remembers Ben’s letter, how much the army had done for him after Paul. And Callum had gone on and on about the army, their friends and what they’d do when Ben came back. No wonder Ben hadn’t said anything.

Callum takes Ben’s hand, startling him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to have a go at you. Do-do the others know? Your mum?”

“Jay and Lola know,” Ben says. “We haven’t told mum or Lexi. Didn’t want to get their hopes up, you know, about me staying here permanently. I think my mum knows something’s up, but she’s not pushing for an answer right now. And Lexi is just happy to have me here as long as she can.”

“I’m sorry,” Callum says.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t shoot me. In fact, you saved me. Imagine what would’ve happened if you didn’t. I’d have lost more than my hearing,” Ben tries to joke. Callum lets go of his hand.

“Don’t say things like that, Ben. It’s not a joke!” He feels himself tense again. He hates that just the idea of Ben not surviving has this effect on him.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not. I’m not good at dealing with what happened.” He stops, as if he’s stealing himself for something. “I’m going to therapy... for PTSD.” He shrugs, as if it’s nothing. “Twice a week. Was one of the requirements if I wanted to go back to training. Not that I can now with my wonky ear.”

“Therapy? That’s good, though, right? Is it helping?”

“No. Yes! I don’t know.” Ben sounds confused. “It’s early stages yet. My therapist says it might take some time. I’m supposed to be patient with myself. Can you imagine?”

“No, not really,” Callum answers, making them both laugh. Ben sobers up soon, though.

“To be honest, Callum, I don’t know what to do if I can’t go back. I love being here with Lexi and my mum, and Jay and Lola. But I don’t know if civilian life is for me. I like the structure and order of army life. The way it keeps me in line. I’m afraid of what I might do without it. I don’t wanna go off the rails again.”

Callum puts his arm around Ben, wanting to comfort him.

“Ben, whatever happened years ago is in the past. You’ve grown up now. Yes, the army gave you a structure to hold on to. But it was your decision to make that change in your life. You couldn’t have done it, if you hadn’t wanted it to. And you have your family here, they’ll help you. And as long as I’m here, I can help you figure things out.” He pauses, smiling at Ben. “You’re not alone. You don’t have to deal with this on your own.” Ben smiles back.

They’re quiet for a while, both lost in their own thoughts.

“What about your nightmares?” Ben asks, startling Callum. Callum pulls his arm back, grabbing his beer. He fiddles with the label, trying to think of something to say. In the end, he shrugs.

“Don’t wanna talk about it,” he says quietly. He can see Ben nod from the corner of his eye.

“I’m here, though, if you wanted to.”

“I know,” Callum says.

Later, when he’s back in his bed, drifting off, he remembers that he’d been about to go out of his mind and that talking to Ben had calmed him down. He falls asleep smiling.

~*~~*~

They’ve taken Lexi out to Richmond Park for the day. It's a bit further away from home, but Lexi had wanted to go to a park with animals, because of her homework – something about drawing things you can see in a park. And Callum had wanted to try the small café one of his army mates had told him about. Ben hadn’t been able to resist two pairs of puppy eyes, so, here they are now. It’s a few days before Callum is due to leave. They’re walking together, Lexi in between them, holding their hands, trying to find something that might catch her eye.

“No, daddy, a trashcan is boring. I need something interesting,” Lexi informs him in a stern voice. She lets go of their hands and walks ahead of them. Ben turns to Callum, mouths ‘something interesting’. He rolls his eyes, smiling fondly.

“Daddy, daddy, look!” Lexi whisper-shouts, calling Ben to her side. They quickly catch up with her. She’s jumping up and down, pointing into the little wood.

And there, hidden behind a bush they see a deer, with antlers and all.

“Okay, princess. You have to calm down and be quiet or the deer will walk away before you can draw it,” Ben tells her. She looks at him with huge eyes and nods. Ben walks her to a nearby bench and sits her down, helps her pull out her sketch book and pens. They whisper together, smiling excitedly.

Callum stays back a little. He loves watching Ben with Lexi. He’s so good with her. He tries to listen to everything she tells him, engages with her. If he snaps at her for whatever reason, he apologises immediately, telling her he was angry at something else.

She’s such a lively little girl, always on the move. Making the adults around her do whatever she wants. And she is so very cheeky. Callum loves it when she gets that glint in her eyes and says something outrageous for a girl her age. She reminds Callum so much of Ben.

He presses his hand to his own chest, hard, trying to soothe the ache he feels. He knows it's a moot gesture, it’s a feeling that’s been growing slowly over the last week and a half.

And finally, _finally_ , he understands. He understands the growing feelings he couldn’t put into words - Callum is in love with Ben. There is no earth-shattering, no stars aligning, no fate intervening. It’s a quiet but certain realisation that he’s been in love with Ben for a while. And when he thinks about it, actually tries to put it together, it makes sense.

Callum can talk to Ben, doesn’t feel the need to hide. Ben understands him, doesn’t make him talk about things if he doesn’t want to, but he’s a solid shoulder to lean on if Callum needs it. Ben never talks down to him, always encourages him to move at his own speed. Most importantly, he makes Callum laugh, brings him out of his head where he sometimes gets lost.

Callum takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, calming himself. He takes the last couple steps up to Ben and Lexi and peers at her drawing.

“That’s really good, Lex,” he tells her. She mumbles ‘thanks’ but doesn’t let him distract her. Ben on the other hand looks up at Callum and smiles brightly. It's a gorgeous smile that makes his heart beat faster. Callum smiles back.

~*~~*~

When Lexi has drawn enough animals and interesting things for her homework, they head to the Hollyhock Café. It’s a vegan/ vegetarian fair-trade café and even though Callum loves meat, he doesn’t mind trying out new things. Ben isn’t happy about it, though, but he’ll have to deal with it. Lexi loves it immediately. She keeps saying how cute it looks.

The café itself isn’t very big, but it looks cosy. Callum heads inside with Lexi to order, leaving Ben outside to find them an empty table. Lexi wants a chocolate cake, Callum orders himself a pistachio and berry cake. And even though Ben had grumbled about the café choice, they get him a brownie.

Lexi helps Callum carry the cakes, he takes the tray with tea. They quickly find Ben.

“This is for you, daddy.” Lexi hands Ben the brownie. “You were a little whingy, but Callum said you still deserve something sweet.” She puts her own cake down and takes a seat. Ben gapes at her and shakes his head. He turns to Callum.

“Did you tell her to say that?”

“Didn’t have to. She heard you whinging, it’s not my fault.” Callum scrunches his face at Ben and sticks out his tongue. It startles a full-belly laugh out of Ben. Lexi giggles and starts eating her cake.

Now that he’s realised how he feels, Callum can’t stop looking at Ben. He really can be oblivious at times and it makes him laugh that it’s taken him this long to understand his own feelings. But then again, he’s never been very bright when it came to emotions. It had been Chris who’d made the first move. Callum wonders what would have happened, had Chris not talked to him that fateful day. He sighs.

“You okay?” Ben is looking at Callum questioningly.

“Yeah, just a lot on my mind.” Callum tells him. “Oh, you have bit of cake there-.” Callum gestures to his own lips. Ben tries licking it away, but Callum only shakes his head, laughing.

“Here, let me,” he says and swipes at Ben’s lower lip with his fingers. Ben freezes, barely breathing. Callum realises what he’s doing and stiffens with his hand still on Ben’s face.

And suddenly the air around them is charged again. Callum feels himself being pulled towards Ben. He watches himself helplessly, like it’s happening to someone else. They’re close now, Callum can feel Ben’s heated breath on his face. He licks his lips.

“Are you gonna kiss now?” Lexi asks and the spell is broken. Callum pulls back, embarrassed. He can’t look at Ben. He feels like he was about to do something really stupid.

“No, darling. Callum was just helping me clean up. I made a mess when I was eating my brownie.” Ben’s voice sounds restrained, his excuse weak, but Lexi accepts it.

“You should be more careful, daddy,” she says proudly. “Look at me, all clean.”

When Callum looks at her, she has a chocolate frosting moustache. He can’t help himself, it makes him laugh. How does she say the right thing and make him feel relaxed? He turns to her.

“Come here, little miss. You need cleaning up as well. You’re your daddy’s daughter through and through,” he says fondly, takes a tissue and cleans her up.

When he steals a glance at Ben, Ben is looking down, lost in his thoughts. Callum hopes the near kiss didn’t make him uncomfortable. He sighs inwardly. He guesses he should talk to Ben, explain what’s going on. It’s a good thing Callum will be leaving for home base soon. That way when Ben rejects him, Callum will have training to distract him.

Not soon after, they head out again, making their way home slowly.

~*~~*~

When they get back, Lexi runs to Lola and Jay, telling them excitedly about all the animals they’d seen and how they had yummy cake in a cute café. She babbles like a waterfall and Lola and Jay just nod and hmm at the appropriate times.

Callum can only smile at her. She really is amazing. When he notices Ben standing beside him, he gestures to the kitchen and goes through. Ben follows him, closing the door behind them. Callum takes a deep breath and turns to him.

“I want to talk to you about what happened at the café.” Callum can feel himself flushing. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I didn’t realise what was happening until today, you have to believe me. You’re one of my best mates, that’s why it’s taken me this long to understand my own feelings. But I don’t want that to come between us.” Callum knows he’s rattling on, and he wishes he could stop, but it’s like his brain has lost all control over his mouth.

“And I’ll understand if it makes you uneasy and you’d rather not spend any time with me anymore. If you wanted, I could even leave now. I don’t think they’d mind the extra hands at home base.” Callum laughs self-deprecatingly, pulling at his own hair, trying to calm his racing heart. Oh God, he wishes the ground would open up and swallow him. He’s so embarrassed.

Only, apart from being a prattling idiot, he also seems to be blind and oblivious. Because Ben is suddenly standing right in front of him, so close that Callum wonders how and when it happened. But Ben doesn't give him any time to think, because the next second he is taking Callum’s face in his hands, pulling him down. Right before their lips touch, Ben stops and just breathes against Callum’s lips.

Ben’s eyes are open, and it feels like he’s staring into Callum’s soul. He doesn’t know what Ben’s waiting for, but the tension is killing him. Ben’s lips are so close. Callum just needs to move a tiny bit and… their lips are meeting tenderly for the first time. Callum closes his eyes and sighs. He relaxes, letting go.

Ben’s lips are chipped but oh so soft. And Callum loses himself in their kiss, letting Ben take however much he wants. And Ben is a forceful kisser, changing from soft pecks to demanding access, nipping, biting, taking. Ben kisses the way he lives, he’s a force of nature and Callum wants more.

"This is new,” Lola says, startling them apart. Ben’s pupils are dilated, his lips still wet from their kisses and he’s breathing heavily. It’s such a perfect look for him, Callum can’t help but groan quietly. Ben is looking at him hungrily, like Callum is the answer to all his prayers.

Without turning around, Ben says: “Lo, give us a minute.” His voice is hoarse, and just knowing that he’s responsible for that turns on Callum even more.

“Hey, this is my home, too, you know,” Lola protests.

“Lo! I said a minute!” Ben presses. From the corner of his eye Callum sees her turning around and closing the door, mumbling to herself something about horny teenagers. But Ben is already on him again, kissing him.

Callum lets him for a heartbeat, for two, loving that Ben is just into this as he is, but they’re not alone. And someone has to be responsible. He pulls himself away reluctantly, keeping his hands still on Ben.

“Ben, Ben! Come on, stop!” Callum tries. Ben whines, trying to pull Callum into another kiss. Callum lets go and steps away from him.

“Hey, hey!” He pulls his hands up. “Believe me, I’d rather be kissing you as well, but your family is out there, and we can’t just hog the kitchen.” Ben wants to protest, but Callum goes on. “We can continue what we’ve started here later tonight.” He promises.

“Okay,” Ben sighs, closing his eyes. “I’ll hold you to that promise.” He takes a deep breath. When he opens his eyes again, he’s calm, collected. His tousled hair is telling an entirely different story.

Callum feels his heart ache again, filling with longing and love. He steps closer to Ben, Ben’s eyes following his every move.

“Your hair is all over the place,” Callum says softly. He runs his hand through Ben’s hair a couple times until he’s happy with the result.

Ben sighs into Callum’s touch. He smiles up at him fondly. Callum smiles back, pecks him on the lips one last time and turns Ben to the door.

When they emerge out of the kitchen, Lola and Jay stop their conversation, turning to them abruptly. Lexi is nowhere to be found, probably washing up.

They're both grinning, Lola moving her eyebrows ridiculously. Callum shakes his head, still smiling.

“So?” Jay asks.

“You know,” Ben says, shrugging. “It’s something.” Callum nods along, he’s happy to let him take the lead.

Lola and Jay protest at the same time, talking over each other, wanting more details.

Ben shrugs again, turning to look at Callum. “We haven't had a proper talk yet.”

“Should've thought of that before you started making out,” Lola throws in. Ben mock-glares at her. She just grins cheekily.

“Anyway, what are we doing?” Ben changes the subject, making Callum sigh in relief. He likes Jay and Lola but he’s not ready to talk about this with them. He wants a quiet moment with Ben. He wants to know what Ben is feeling. Because as nice as kissing him was, Ben hasn’t said much.

The other two groan at that, rolling their eyes. But they accept that Ben and Callum are not ready to talk, and Callum is grateful that Ben has such a fantastic family.

~*~~*~

They finally call it a night after dinner and games. Callum takes his time, waits until Lexi is settled and asleep, and Lola and Jay have retired to their own room, before he slowly goes upstairs. He doesn’t know what to expect. He’s excited, but also nervous, biting his lips over and over again.

When he opens the door to his room, Ben is sitting on his bed. Callum is surprised, but he was secretly hoping Ben would be here. He smiles at Ben shyly and closes the door quietly after entering.

Callum stays by the boor, needing space between them. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if he’s too close to Ben and they definitely need to talk before this goes any further. Not that either of them is talking. Callum sighs, looking down. He licks his lips and they feel sore. No wonder, he thinks, first Ben had bitten them and now Callum in his anxiety.

“I guess we should talk,” Ben says, startling him.

“Yeah.” Callum nods.

“What you said in the kitchen,” Ben begins, and Callum looks up at him. “Did you mean it?” He asks quietly.

“Yeah. Yes, I mean it. I-” Callum swallows. “I’m in love with you. Sometimes I’m slow when it comes to feelings, that's why it took me this long to realise. I can’t tell you the how or when of it, only that it is the truth.” Callum pauses, trying to bring order to his thoughts.

“I was so afraid when we were ambushed and you got hurt. I was sick with worry. And when they finally told us you’d make it through, that you’d live, I locked myself in my bathroom and cried. I was afraid I’d lose you just as I lost Chris and-” Callum stops, his throat closing up. He hates those memories of Ben getting hurt.

“You know the nightmares? They-they’re about you getting shot, but there is something different every time. Sometimes we don’t get to you in time and you bleed out in front of us, or you don’t make it through surgery. Or worst of all, you die in my arms because they can’t find us in time. And I just-” Callum’s feelings overwhelm him, and he starts crying quietly, his whole body shaking. This was not how he’d pictured this night would go. And yet, here they are.

In an instant Ben is with him and brushing his tears away softly. When it doesn't help, he takes Callum in his arms. Callum tries to resist, but having Ben here, alive, it’s the only comfort he wants and needs, so he clings to Ben and lets the tears fall.

When it feels like he has no tears left to cry, Callum finally calms down, with Ben caressing his back and whispering how he's fine and that he's not leaving. Callum gingerly extricates himself from Ben, laughing sheepishly. He can’t look at Ben.

“I’m sorry for being such a mess. I know this wasn’t how you wanted tonight to go.”

“Callum, look at me,” Ben pleads. Callum hesitantly looks at him.

“Tonight is supposed to be about us, you and me. And if that means we spend it talking, I’m alright with that. I mean, sure, I wouldn’t mind kissing you again or having you naked on my bed. Who would, honestly?!” He leers at Callum, making him giggle and roll his eyes.

“That’s better,” Ben smiles at him. “But I just want you to be okay. I didn’t know you were struggling with what happened. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You know I’m seeing that therapist. We could have tried getting you an appointment there as well. Or you could have come with me to one of my sessions. Did you-did you not trust me?” He asks quietly, as if fearing Callum’s answer.

“Ben, no,” Callum insists. “I told you I’m not good with emotions. I just need more time to process and understand my feelings compared to other people. I think once I would have realised what was going on, I would have come to you. It’s just that realising both – my feelings for you and about the ambush – happened at the same time.” He shrugs.

“You have to believe me, Ben. You’re the first person I want to talk when something happens. Why do you think I sent you so many emails? I wanted to talk to my best friend, I missed having you around, joking with you. When you were gone, I felt like I was missing a part of me. I know that now. Back then I knew something wasn’t right, I just couldn’t place the feeling. And I didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to any of the other guys. You’re that person for me.” He shrugs, biting his lips. Ben smiles at him.

“You should know,” Ben starts after they’ve been quiet for a while. “For me, the best thing about the army was meeting you. You know why I enlisted, how messed up I was. The army gave me purpose when I was lost, but you were the game changer. I saw you one day at the training camp, you were talking to some guys and your smile, it was so bright and open. Seeing you like that loosened something in me and I wanted to get to know you.” Closing his eyes, Ben laughs. Turning to the bed, he sits down.

“Only, when you arrived, I’d already got my reputation as a ‘hard man’. And no matter what I tried I couldn’t get you alone. You didn’t even realise, did you?” He asks and Callum shakes his head.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Here I was, trying to get your attention and failing. It drove me crazy. But then I bumped into your friend and suddenly you’re between us, trying to protect him. It was unexpected. You know, had it been anybody else interfering, I’d have decked them.”

“Yeah,” Callum nods, remembers being surprised at Ben’s non-reaction.

“A couple days later I caught you kissing Chris.” Ben goes on. “I was so furious with myself. Of course, you already had someone in your life. And from what I knew, Chris was a good one, well-liked by a lot of people. How could you even look at me when you were with him?” Ben shakes his head, he’s quiet for a moment.

“It’s funny you should mention that kiss, you know.” Callum interrupts the silence.

“Is it?”

“Yeah, because that never would have happened, had it not been for you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Callum continues. “After that ‘near fight’ in the dining hall, Chris told me you liked me. I didn’t see it.” He laughs, gestures at himself. “You know, slow.” He rolls his eyes. “So, I told him he was more my type and that’s how things got started with him. Because of you, I got to experience love, even if it was for a short time. So, thank you.”

“Yeah, a regular matchmaker, me.” Ben looks at Callum, smiling. “I think it was fate that we met again, this time around. My unit had just arrived in Kandahar and they told me someone named Highway would come by to show us the base. I was shocked when I heard your name. And normally, I’d have sent one of my men to get you when you didn’t turn up in time. But the possibility of it being really you was too tempting. I had to see for myself. And I didn’t want that first glance of you in front of the others. I wanted it to be mine alone.” He laughs at himself. Callum’s heart aches for Ben.

“When I saw you in that kitchen, lumping around dishes, all on your own. It was like I could breathe again, freely, for the first time in ages. I hadn’t looked for you and yet there you were. A gift from the universe. At least that’s how it felt.” He shrugs, taking a moment to breathe in deeply.

“I was honestly content just being your friend. It felt like I’d been given another chance to have you in my life and I would have done anything to keep you.”

“But then I found out you were single, and my treacherous heart began to hope again. I didn’t want to, because I could see you were in pain and you didn’t wanna talk about it. I respected that, not having been able to talk about Paul myself.” Ben stops, licking his lips.

“But then I’d see you look at me and that hope would flare up again.” He grimaces. “It was so confusing.”

In two steps, Callum is at Ben’s side, kneeling in front of him. He takes Ben’s face in his hands, making Ben look at him.

“I’m sorry I caused you pain. And I’d take it all away if I could. But we’re both here, feeling the same way about each other. At least I hope that we are.” Ben nods slowly.

“It’s not your fault I fell for an idiot, is it?” Ben says, grinning at Callum. Callum is about to nod when he realises what Ben’s said.

“Hey!” He claps Ben on the shoulder. “Who you calling an idiot?”

“You! But you’re my idiot, ain’t ya?” Ben is grinning.

“Yeah, I’m yours,” Callum says softly, closing the gap between them and finally kissing Ben again. He knows they’ve got much more to talk about, but he can’t deal with any more heartache for the night.

He nudges Ben further on the bed and climbs on his lap, putting his arms around his neck.

“I’m not crushing you, am I?” He whispers in Ben’s ear. He feels Ben shiver.

“No, no, you’re good.” Ben sighs, kissing along Callum’s neck, making him groan in return.

“Okay, that’s good. Yeah, good,” Callum hums, pushing Ben on his back and getting lost in him.

~*~~*~

Callum slowly opens his eyes, feeling disoriented. But it’s early morning, he can see the navy-blue melting into a burning red, turning the sky into a watercolour painting from the window. He tries to turn, but there is something heavy lying on his chest. That’s when he remembers yesterday, his talk with Ben and what they’d done afterwards. Callum smiles contently.

Looking at Ben now, you’d never know how mouthy and demanding he can be. He looks peaceful in his sleep, his hair fluffy, his face nuzzled into Callum’s chest.

The sex last night had been intense, his body aches in places he didn’t know was possible. He’d hesitated for a moment when he’d pulled off Ben’s shirt and seen his wound. It had healed, no more stitches to be seen. But Callum had wanted to be careful.

“Does it hurt?” He’d asked. Ben had shaken his head.

“Can-can I touch it?” Ben had nodded and Callum had touched the wound softly, almost reverently. Such a small thing with such big consequences. He’d kissed it tenderly. Callum had been hyperaware not to hurt Ben, but Ben had pushed him, biting and scratching at him.

“I’m not made of glass, don’t treat me like I’m going to break,” he’d said, and he’d let Callum take as much as he wanted, encouraging him. Whispering filthy things in his ear. Callum shivers just thinking about it. He wants to do it all over again, wants to get lost in Ben.

He can feel Ben stirring and when Callum looks down at him, Ben is blinking blearily, trying to orient himself.

“Morning,” he mumbles and then remembers Ben’s hearing aid. He wants to lean over to the bedside table, but Ben stops him with a kiss. He leans over himself and puts his aid in. He snuggles back into Callum, kissing his chest tenderly. Callum kisses Ben’s head and lets his hand wander on Ben’s naked back, tracing random patterns.

“This is nice,” Callum says into the silence.

“Hmm, yes,” Ben murmurs. “I missed this, you know. Just lying together, holding someone… Can we stay like this for a while?”

“As long as you want!” Callum holds on tighter to Ben, whispering I got you over and over again.

~*~~*~

The next couple days are like a dream. The giggling, the kissing, the touching. And the sex! They can’t keep their hands off each other, disappearing whenever they can get away with it, only to return looking dishevelled, with rosy cheeks and bitten lips.

Callum hasn’t been this happy in forever, and he wants nothing more than to stay with Ben. But Callum knows he can’t. He has to report back to home base tomorrow. Now that he knows there is a good chance of Ben never returning to active duty, Callum dreads going back. Not that they’re in the same unit, but Callum could have asked for a transfer.

But things are different now and his mind has been running a mile a minute, trying to come up with a way they can be together. Worst case is, Ben can’t go back to the army because of his ear. And as much as Callum loves the army, he loves Ben more. So, there is only one way this can go.

~*~~*~

They’re both pleasantly sore, lying in Ben’s bed. It’s their last night together. Callum wants to burn every little thing about this night into his mind, to keep it safe for when he’s away. He wants to remember the feeling of Ben’s callused fingers on his thighs, Ben’s soft lips on his chest, the tickle of Ben’s beard on his throat.

Too soon Callum will have to leave, say goodbye to Lexi, promising her that he’ll write her as often as he can.

God, he doesn’t want to leave them.

Callum’s hand is playing with Ben’s hair, running through it, only to smooth it out again. He can’t help it, everything about Ben is tempting Callum to touch him. And Callum is only too glad to give in.

“I’m gonna miss this,” Ben murmurs into Callum’s chest.

Callum stills. Just like Callum, Ben had ignored the fast approaching end of Callum’s holiday. This is the first time he acknowledges it.

“Yeah, me too.” He goes on after a moment of silence. “You know, after I finish my tour, I could quit the army... Come back here?”

Ben freezes, barely breathing. Callum can’t see his face, doesn’t know whether Ben likes the idea or not. He shakes his head.

“No, forget it. It was a stupid idea.” He wants to detangle himself from Ben, but Ben stops him with a hand on his chest.

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it, Callum.” Ben is still not looking at him. “Don’t give me hope only to never return. I couldn’t handle that.”

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it. These past few weeks with you, with Lexi. It’s what I want.” Ben wants to protest. “No, Ben. Meeting you and Lexi, it changed things for me. You know I always wanted to be a soldier. But that was my dream when I was a kid. People grow up, priorities change. And if you let me, I would like to make you my priority. You and Lexi.” Callum feels relieved. Now it’s out in the open and it’s on Ben to decide where things go from here.

Ben moves up, bringing their faces close, his gaze intense. Callum wants to look away, but he knows Ben needs to do this. He looks back steadily.

Finally, Ben nods slowly, a smile breaking loose. He nudges Callum’s nose with his own. “I love you.”

Callum closes the small gap between them, kissing Ben as if his life depended on it.

* * *

**ONE YEAR LATER – Walford, England**

* * *

Ben is excited. Callum is finally coming home to him and this time for good. They hadn’t seen each other in six months. Well, six months in person. They’d had a too short video-chat a couple weeks ago, Callum telling him that his deployment was ending soon, only for their connection to fail. Soon after he’d sent an email with details. Yesterday he’d called from home base, saying they’d arrived safely and that he’d be home tomorrow.

Lola and Jay have taken Lexi away for a couple days, giving them the time to reconnect after being separated for so long. He’d thanked them by paying for their trip.

Ben is walking around the house with nervous energy, checking again if they have enough food. He’s stocked up on everything Callum likes. The idea being that they won’t have to leave the house if they don’t want to.

A picture on the mantel piece catches his eye. Ben remembers the day it was taken vividly. The army medics had finally told him his hearing wouldn’t return, making him unfit for active duty. It had been difficult for him, but Lexi had been happy that her daddy would never go away again. His mum had hugged him, crying that Ben getting shot had been some sort of blessing. The picture shows him hugging Lexi and his mum that day. It makes him smile.

Now Ben is running his own business, he’s selling cars. It’s not the most glamourous job, but he enjoys it. And he doesn’t have to commute, with the car lot being right here in Walford, not five minutes from Ben’s home.

Callum hadn’t made any plans about what he wanted to do after the army, yet. But after Ben had got shot, he’d changed careers in the army and trained as a medic.

Ben thinks he might complete his training and become a paramedic, but he doesn’t want to pressure Callum. He thinks it would suit him, though. Callum is good under pressure, keeps calm.

The back door opening startles Ben, he puts down the picture frame and looks up. It’s Callum, he’s finally home. It takes Ben’s breath away, seeing him standing there. He’s missed that gorgeous face, the kind smile. God, that gorgeous smile. His eyes full of love.

Ben runs up to Callum, pulling him down into a kiss. He groans. And he’s missed this. Kissing Callum, tasting him, touching him.

“Where are the others?” Callum asks in between kisses.

“Gone. We’re alone for the next couple days.” Ben moans, he’s even missed Callum’s thick stubble.

Callum’s big hands wander to Ben’s arse, kneading it. He’s kissing Ben down his throat, leaving wet traces.

“Callum, please! I need-”

“What do you need, Ben? Tell me!” Callum looks down at Ben, his gaze intense. Ben loves it when Callum takes charge.

“You. I need you!”

Callum attacks his lips, pulling Ben to the sofa. Ben goes willingly.


End file.
